Chocolate Paci

Our good friend C.J. sent Abby a chocolate pacifier in the mail the other day. She has been eating little bits of it every day for the past few days. Every time we say, "Abby, do you want some chocolate paci?" she nods her head vigorously and runs towards the fridge where we are keeping it. It's a hit! Good thing, because the last time C.J. tried to put chocolate on her paci, things didn't go so well. She burst into tears and screamed for several minutes. Then for the next week she kept pulling it out of her mouth, forwning, and saying "uh oh." I was beginning to get a little worried- I mean, what child hates getting chocolate on their paci? My fears were settled with the arrival of the chocolate paci. Dan, Matt and Chris, it looks like you've got another contender for Uncle of the Year! Uh oh!

I will let the pictures speak for themselves!

Summer favorites..... (how we love a Blacksburg summer!!)

This has been a wonderful summer! Here are some things we have been up to lately:

Finally growing longer hair!


Taking after-dinner walks on the Huckleberry Trail



Tasting Honeysuckles for the first time!!!



Looking cute


Enjoying music on the Drillfield



Resting with Bruiser


Loving popsickles


Curling up with "Melmo"


Playing with Playdough






Hiking the Cascades with the Barts'




Playing on the playground


Packing for our move to Norfolk

I know, I know... it's been forever. A seriously long time. Things are going great- crazy, but great! We are moving in less than a month, trying to find a place to live, enjoying Blacksburg as much as we can in the time we have left, visiting friends and family, enjoying Abby more than ever... and most of all, resting in the goodness of Jesus as He walks with us, teaches us, stretches us, and grows us more every day in dependence on His provision and power.
More to come.. I promise!!!

All must work for good to me

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,
All must work for good to me.

All must work for good to me. I have been praying to believe this the past two weeks. Praying to see God's faithfulness in the midst of grief and loss. Praying to see the good in the storm.

I have struggled with whether to write about our miscarriage two weeks ago or not. How do I begin to write about something that is impacting me so deeply? But how do I not write about something that is impacting me so deeply?

A little over two weeks ago I started cramping and bleeding, and, fearing the worst, made an appointment with our ob/gyn to see what was going on. I was 7 weeks along, and we were just getting ready to start telling everyone the news that we were finally expecting our second. I prepared myself for the worst, and was shocked when an ultrasound showed a slow, but steady heartbeat! However, our doctor informed us that there was a chance that we might still miscarry due to the position of the baby. The the following night we lost the baby.

Grieving a miscarriage is like grieving any other death- there's those initial moments of shock where you aren't really sure what to do, then crying and sadness, followed by "ok now its time to send out emails to let people know and cancel appointments and get through life and make dinner and move on," and finally followed by the overwhelming reality of life- that now I have to go on and live my life without them. Life goes on, but they aren't here- it's loss, it's an emptyness.

I have been on a roller coaster the past two weeks, experiencing every emotion more deeply than ever before- moments of deep, deep sadness; moments of frustration and anger and misunderstanding; moments of joy and happiness and peace. Grief is a perplexing process. It is unpredictable. It is paradoxical- I am normal, yet not. I am fine, yet not. I want to be pregnant again soon, yet I know I will still be grieving in some way. I know and believe all the right things- my little one is with the Lord, the safest place she could be; it wasn't my fault; God is good and trustworthy and faithful; He loves me and grieves with me- yet, I still hurt. I struggle to see the good in this storm, but I believe His promises are true.

A few days ago I was wrestling with anger. I was so, so angry that God would have me wait seven months to get pregnant just to take my baby away. That He would allow me to see a heartbeat, to hope, and then allow her to die. That He wouldn't perform a miracle- couldn't he see that sparing her life could bring Him more glory?! What good can ever come of a death? Surely I know best! I wrestled and wrestled, and cried out to God for answers, and wrote, and cried.
And I thought about something that I tell my students- that the God we believe and trust is not distant or removed from our pain- that He isn't just "there for us," guiding us, but that he actualy enters in to our pain with us. That he deeply identifies with our grief and suffering.

Do I really believe this? In my moment of crisis, do I believe that God cares deeply about my suffering?
And then I was reminded that my God lost a child, too. That he was separated from His Son. He watched his son suffer and be put to death. He allowed it. And He did it because he loved me. He allowed his only son to endure what I should have endured so that I could know Him. He took what men intended for evil and made it good. I can't imagine what it must have been like when Jesus rose from the dead, and then finally went back to be with the Father. What a sweet reunion that must have been.

In the midst of grief, I have a deep sense that God is with me- not just directing me, guiding me, reminding me that it will all be ok- but with me. Stepping into this mess. Taking it on himself. Grieving with me. Carrying me. Singing over me. Loving me and blessing me.

I want to see the good that He is working for me through this storm.


Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

crazy blogger!

What is with blogger? Whenever I comment on other friend's blogs, it asks me to type in a varification code by copying whatever lettters I see into a box. Not a big deal. Except, the last few "codes" I have typed in have been:

bootay

fartjam

butjam

Seriously? I bet whoever makes these up just gets a kick out of thinking of a bunch of people having to type in "butjam."

Valentines Day

I absolutely LOVE Valentine's Day. I have my mom to thank for that. My mom made Valentines Day magical. Every year, the week before Valentine's Day, each person in our family got a gift bag attached to their door. She would cut out a stack of construction paper cut-out hearts, and we would spend the week filling each other's bags with treats, homemade cards, and the paper hearts on which we would write down things we loved about each other. Then, on Valentines Day, she cooked a special dinner with a yummy dessert (chocolate, of course!!), and we would open our Valentine Bags. It was such a sweet time reading all the things that were written about us. "I love it when you help me around the house." "You run very fast." "You play the piano so well!" "You are kind to others and are fun to be around." These are things that should be said all year round, of corse, but there was something so special about being showered with love and appreciation on that particular day. Every once in a while, while sorting through a box of things I have saved, I come across one of those paper hearts, and it makes me smile, and feel very loved still.



This year some friends of ours threw a "kids only" V-day party that Abby went to from 3-8. That's right, 5 hours- FIVE- of completely free babysitting so that we can go out and have a nice adult date, and Abby can play with all her best friends! It was the best Valentines Day EVER. We had a special breakfast in the morning, spent some time playing on the drill field in the afternoon, and then had a great evening of Italian food and sugar cookies! It was a blast!

Major Sadness...

Our camera is failing.....

I thought I just had digital slr camera lust, but alas, our trusty little point & shoot is on it's way out... Hardly any of the pictures we take lately are in focus, especially ones taken indoors, and there is a black blurry bar on one edge of the pictures it takes.
It may just need to be serviced, so I am going to take it into a camera shop to get looked at. Let's hope they can fix it- I feel like I am missing so much of Abby without a working camera on hand!

Abby has been particularly adorable lately. Will there ever come a day when my heart doesn't melt just thinking about her? I hope not. Even now, as I picture her curled up with her bear in her crib, I want to just run downstairs, scoop her out of bed, kiss her sweet neck and smell her- I love her smell!

Anyways, today after lunch Andy took Bruiser outside, and Abby ran after him and stood at the back door watching him. She then pressed her mouth against the glass and started blowing on it. Andy started cracking up, saying 'do you SEE this? Oh my goodness, Abby. Jenny you have to see this!" I love how he delights in her. Joy, delight.

She has started bringing books to me, holding them up and looking at me with big eyes that say, "this one, please!" Then she will crawl into my lap and sit patiently as we read through the book. SHe'll do this for a few books before she's off to the next thing. THis afternoon I think we read about 15 books, one after another! These are moments I cherish. Joy, delight.

She started saying "mamma" intentionally last week. When she's upset and she wants to be held, "maaaaaamaaaaa!" When she is tired and cranky, "mamaaaa!" When she is playing, having fun, cuddly, coming to me for a hug (which, to my delight, she does a TON!), "MAma!!" And most recently, when she wakes up happy from a nap or in the morning, "mama! mama! mama!" Melted heart, joy, delight.

A few other things she's been doing lately:
-Walking up and down the street with me on these nice, sunny days! She loves being outside!
-Climbing into Bruiser's bed and then cracking up
-On that note, getting a kick out of everything she does- really, she cracks herself up! She does things, and then throws her head back and laughs at herself!!
-Discovering her belly button, and everyone elses. This also cracks her up.
-Hiding in corners to poop. No joke, she did this twice today. And laughed both times.
-Dancing! When the music starts, look out! This girl has some moves.

Joy, delight!