It hit me just a minute ago. What today is. March 21st.
A year ago today, we lost our second baby. A year ago today, everything I used to believe about family planning, and bearing children, and loss and grief came crashing down around me. 8 months of trying for number two were lost, along with my hopes of having my children no more than two years apart (because this, I believed, was the BEST way to have children, and what all the best mothers did, right?).
We grieved. We prayed. We healed. My dreams of having more children had not died with that baby, and the thought of waiting any longer than necessary to start trying again was unbearable, so in the midst of the grief, we started praying, hoping, and trying for another one.
And four months later, we found out we were pregnant again. With Charlotte. My sweet, perfect, beautiful baby girl whom I hold in my arms right now, snuggled close and smelling so sweet.
It does not escape my mind the fact that if not for that loss, we would never have had her.
I am so thankful for her. And yet, I am not glad we lost our baby. I know that our baby is where I ultimately want her to be, but it doesn't change the fact that I would rather her be here, with us, now. I want all three of my babies here with me now. It's an interesting place to be- and I'm not sure I can really wrap my mind or my heart around it. What does it mean to be both so sad about something, and yet so thankful for it, in the same moment? I see all the things the Lord has done- in my heart, in our marriage, in our family- in the past year, things that would not be if it had not been for our loss, and I am so grateful for the way He works. For the way He takes the mess of this world and makes it beautiful. For the way He brings life where there was once death. For the way He redeems our sufferings, and gives them meaning and purpose. For the way He works ALL things for good. Every. Single. Thing.
Charlotte will always be a reminder of this for me. The same way that Abby is always a reminder to me about how much He loves me- how He rejoices over me with His love (her name means "Father in Rejoicing"). Charlotte will always be a reminder to me that He knows best. That though "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Which is way "her" passage is Psalm 30. I read this passage when I was about 25 weeks along with Charlotte, and after a long night of worrying that something would be wrong with her (does every mother have those??). It was a sweet reminder that the Lord held her in his hands, and of all the good things He had been doing in the past months. How good He is to us.

Psalm 30
I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."

O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.