This morning did not start out well. Abby had to be woken up to get ready for church and she was already extremely sleep deprived from several days in a row of late naps and late bedtimes. We were at the Grandparents house all last week and I let our schedule slide wayyyyy too much and we are paying for it now. Same with potty training. This week= sleep and potty boot camp!
So she was a crabby mess (she may or may not get that from me...). Everything was a battle. Everything produced tears and shrieks and a loud "NO Mommy, STOP! GO AWAY, MOMMY!!"
Charlotte woke up as we dressed her and got her buckled into her carseat, and started crying huge crocodile tears that turned into another loud, sobbing mess. We were already running late when I realized that Charlotte's sobbing was coming from the fact that she was starving and needed to nurse. We had two choices: feed her before leaving and be really really late to church, or hope that she would fall asleep in the car on the way there. We went with plan B. She did not cooperate.
So as we were driving down Chesapeake Ave with still 10 minutes to go, Abby screaming and Charlotte sobbing, I turned to Andy and said, "Happy Mother's Day to me! BIG thumbs up!"
This was NOT how MY day was supposed to go.
Today was Mother's Day, and it was supposed to be filled with reminders of how wonderful it is to be a mom and have a mom. But for me, it started with a reminder of all the not so fun parts of motherhood. The parts that often leave me tired, discouraged, or just plain pulling my hair out in desperation.
For some women, though, these are the moments they long for. These are moments that keep slipping from their grasp as they loose yet another baby, or another adoption attempt fails, or they hear the news from another doctor that the chances are very very slim that they will ever be able to conceive. These moments that I would love to forget and be done with are moments that another woman would do anything to experience.
Mother's Day is a hard day for so many, and for so many of my friends. It's a reminder of another year gone by without a child. Or, its a reminder of the mother they lost and another year of not having them be part of their life. For a lot of us Mother's Day is a wonderful day to celebrate and be celebrated. But for many, its a reminder of what has been lost or what might have been. For a lot of us its a fun, sunny, happy day. But for many, its a hard, sad day.
I only know a tiny bit of this sadness. Last year was a hard Mother's Day as we had lost our baby only a month and a half before. I was watching friend after friend get pregnant and had a huge case of the "what about me, Lord??"s. But then we got our Charlotte just a few months after that, and though the months following were still a tough journey, I hardly tasted what some women have. But, it still changed forever the way I view Mother's Day. Or, the way I think about my friends and women I know who are on a tough journey, on this day.
And, it changed the way I view mornings like this morning. Maybe not in the moment- I still get really overwhelmed and frustrated and even angry! I am so quick to forget how truly blessed I am to have even one beautiful healthy child. Who loves me! And talks to me, and sings to me, and prays for her friends and her bearbear, and who has the most beautiful BIG blue eyes in the world... When my heart stills and quiets enough, I can hear the Lord reminding me that these moments, in all their mess and confusion, are the best moments of my life, and are to be cherished.
So tonight, when the bedtime battle began (because despite our best efforts we still started way too late...), and Abby was screaming and kicking in her crib because she didn't want to go to sleep, I thanked the Lord for one more day with them. One more day full of sleepy eyes, big grins, temper tantrums, snot being smeared down my arm, marker all over her face right before we need to head out the door, strong wills, a quivering bottom lip, big beautiful blue eyes, refusing to keep her clip in her hair, nursing every two hours, waking up only 45 minutes into her nap and my ONLY alone time of the day, no more privacy, endless loads of laundry, peeing all over the floor RIGHT after she swore she "didn't hafta go!".... and so, SO much more.
Give me more days like these, Lord.